I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
17 year olds will be the death of me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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