Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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