i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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