I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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