Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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