Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
