his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
