You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
