he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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