I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
