She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
