i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
