That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
