So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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