Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
