dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
