When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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