I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
