i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
