I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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