She is in my trunk
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
