Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
