Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
