What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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