I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
