4 words: hood of his car
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
