Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
