Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
A bitchslap is in order.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
