Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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