sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
