I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
