I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
