I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
