i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
