I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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