Got a toothbrush?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
