I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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