Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
