i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
