bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
