An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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