You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
