Say something about gay babies.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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