i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
