or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
