I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
