he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize