i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize