i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
