after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
