The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish you could order shots online.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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