Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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