He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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