walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
