She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
