From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
