Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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