woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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