Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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