If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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