I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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