I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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