wanna go halves on a baby?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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