my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
