I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
