The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i think im in europe. pls send help
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
